thread: 2005-08-05 : Going Home

On 2005-08-05, Clinton R. Nixon wrote:

I get so wracked with guilt over these same issues. I know I don't believe in a real, living God that interacts with the world. But I want to so bad. I want to enough that I rationalize a belief in Christianity just so I can fit into it.

When your parents look at you and you know that they really, truly believe that nothing you do will matter because in the end, you're lost, it's heart-breaking. I can never make them proud because in their eyes, I'm damned. Therefore, what I do on this earth doesn't matter.

Recently's been terrible. I almost don't want to invite them to my wedding: I've found this perfect, caring woman who believes that we should treat others with perfect kindness and would lay down everything she has to help someone in need. (Pretty Christ-like, if you ask me.) But she doesn't believe in God - I think she does it for the same reason I want to - because there's not a God, and someone's got to pick up the slack. And they can't support my engagement: they've verbally torpedoed it a couple of times because she doesn't believe in their God.

Man, I talked about myself way too much. So - solidarity. I understand.

And the hardest part is knowing they're not bad. They're not evil. They love you. They're just wrong. It's the hardest thing to take.


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