kill puppies for satan
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excerpts
the funhouse
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the kill puppies for satan funhouse!
whee!

first, limericks:

the exorcist sober and learned
discoursed on the scars that he'd earned.
"this one on my chin,
i had from a djinn,
whose spit when it struck my face burned."

the necrophage smelly and nasty
in choosing her meal was too hasty
she devoured the dead
that lay on the first bed
and left one further on the more tasty.

the sorcerer's life is all toil
such effort to make water boil!
considering the gains
and subtracting the pains
i'd be better off heating with oil.

though i think she just does it to spite me
it's really begun to afright me
for despite what i've read
of the ways of the dead
she appears in the day, not just nightly.

a gourmet who thought herself bold
spat it into her napkin, i'm told.
"it isn't its size
or its faceted eyes
but the fact that they've served it up cold."

and the bestest one, if i do say so myself:

the zombie's flesh hangs off in tatters
when it speaks it just gibbers and chatters
its advanced decomposure
gives its bone parts exposure
which is why when it capers it clatters.

what people say about the game:

...I think the message is subtle. You deliver it via the "this is how many people hate me" stat, the situation and NPC's in first half of the sample scenario, and the absolutely pathetic nature of killing something that can't defend itself: you're a loser, painfully so, and your friends are even worse losers, but you can't relate at all to normals, and it's getting worse, so you damn well better stick with your friends.

It's an incredibly poignant message.

I would be lying if I said that the Satan part didn't creep me out. It does. The idea of harming animals for the sole purpose of going to hell just does not sit well with me.

I volunteered in a local animal shelter and saw some truly horrific things that people have done to pets. Cigarette burns and broken bones being some of the least permanent of injuries. Also, a study revealed that 85% of current inmates in jail for violent crimes, began their patterns of violence by injuring animals. (Evidently, I know way too much useless information. :-D)

So I guess it would be the "Killing Puppies" part that I most dislike.

...it's like Hol and the other Black Dog material, except that kill puppies is way funnier and more honest in its rudeness.

The only thing I don't like is that you get your power from killing puppies. What I mean is, you get a game benefit from something that's not fun (challenging) to do as an element of the game. I'm not sure how seriously you mean it as a playable game, but I foresee this conflict: the players want to rack up evil and want to go out and kill puppies in order to do so, but they also want to get on with the plot and have fun doing something more challenging (such as breaking someone out of an institution). I'd almost want a random puppy-killing table, so the GM can say roll some dice and say, "OK, you can find and kill X many puppies." That way players get their points without everyone wasting time. Or the GM has to turn puppy hunts into surprisingly difficult ventures, which the game doesn't deal with explicitly.

And that I'm giving the game such a sincere critique shows how much attention I've paid to it. It does seem to be worth running.

and here's a bit that i cut from cockroach souffle, but you can read it anyway:

satan's kitchen

so i was going to write a section about hell, daily life (or whatever) in hell. satan's kitchen was going to be a cooking show on hell tv, soul almondine, soul tartare, soul jubilee flambe. ha ha, good laughs. i bought a tv guide and an entertainment weekly for inspiration. i'm here reading them now.

fuck, man. if hell is anything like the good old u s and a, it's bad the fuck enough. maybe after they pull us out of the toilet full of boiling worms, but before they eat us and shit us back in, maybe they make us watch the like trivia questions and informative tidbits and shit and coke logos that they show on the screen at the movie theater before the trailers start. i mean for crying out christ. did you know that what's his face, kevin costner became a member of the sioux nation while he was filming dances with fuckity fucks? it's true. don't you just wish you were that sincere. ooh, and i see that hugh jackman is entertainment weekly's third choice pick for the next james bond!

so yeah, so hell. hell is as big as the world, so anything goes, but here are some suggestions.

one part of hell could be this job i used to have, you know, where they put you and ten other people into a chlorine-ammonia steam bath, and they choose you to be the leader, and they say that you can nominate three people for perks (a dixie cup of lukewarm water, a drag off one of their cigarettes, that kind of thing, believe me, you'll kill), but you can't nominate yourself and they get the final vote, and then they turn you loose and sit back and watch you backstab and fuck each other there in the mustard gas. i mean you'd think that adversity would pull us together, i mean mustard gas for fuck sake, but no. same old shit. being unemployed is kinda stressful but god damn i don't miss that job.

my partner says that another part of hell could be an endless shopping mall, where you're always looking for just that one final consumer good that will satisfy you, and you never find it, and they play nothing on the in-store radios but the name game and who knows where the time goes, so you buy things you don't want, and carry them around with you from store to store to store to store, gradually accumulating bags, because you can never fill the hole inside you, because duh, you're in hell. maybe stopping occasionally at the piercing pagoda could be compulsory.

so that's pretty good for a start. i know you're just going to wing it anyway.

hugh jackman. good grief.

i've moved my hatemail to its very own page!