thread: 2005-08-09 : The New Open House 2: Religion
On 2005-10-12, Carrie B. wrote:
I was raised by parents who were very accepting of whatever I chose to believe. As a child I was very full of belief and perceptions about G-d, very little of which related to Judaism.
Like Ninja J, my parents were and are a part of a Haverah (a non-hierarchical Jewish group for all of the parts of Jewish religious practice), but unlike him their Haverah is heavily left-leaning and my parents were also a part of the Synagogue where I grew up.
My mom is Jewish, of deeply assimilated parents. She went searching for Judaism, found it, connected to it spiritually, and still strongly dislikes all organized religion. My father is Jewish, from New York, into Judaism and even more into spirituality and enlightenment. He has integrated several kinds of meditation into his spiritual practice, which is supported by, and partially provided by, the Jewish communities of which he is a part. I think my mom's favorite thing is enjoying Nature and my dad's is no-mind. My dad sees no conflict with Judaism in this and my mom sees very little.
When I was young I thought a lot about free will and G-d, I believed there was a balance between a true existence of G-d in every thing and free human will. I also believed that my soul was made up of my life force and that when I died, as my body was broken down my consciousness would pass into the living things which consumed me. I had times when I felt unsure of G-d's existence, and a few times I experienced joyful ecstatic communion with G-d, which felt like an awareness of the oneness of all things passing through my body as energy.
I was sent to Sunday School (Jewish) and I hated it and thought it was totally bunk. I was also sent to Hebrew School, which I also hated with a passion.
I often questioned the existence of G-d and the value of religious practice, which was considered a part of Jewish practice by everyone around me (although I'm sure there are Orthodox, Modern, and other Jewish communities where such things are either not accepted in the same way or not discussed). My mother and sister still deeply question organized religion and the existence of G-d, and are respected and accepted by the communities we participate in, although I think there are times when both my mom and sister decide they are outside of Judaism. I feel that I am very lucky that there is support within Judaism to question one's own faith within the religious system.
I had a very good experience at my Bat Mitzvah, even though I really hated preparing for it and believed I would feel like a phony, since I didn't believe in all of the prayers I was required to say, and often didn't believe in G-d. I was sure that I wouldn't feel spiritual and would have to fake it. My parents assured me it was ok not to feel faith while practicing the religion, and that if I wanted nothing to do with Judaism, that was fine. They wanted me to go on with my Bat Mitzvah, though, since people were coming from far away. When I performed the requirements and experienced the support of the congregation and people who traveled to be there, I saw the value of religious practice as providing spiritual expression sometimes, but always providing tradition, community, and continuity with the past.
Over the past few years and months, I've been reflecting a lot on how unpleasant and unsatisfying most people's experiences with religion are. It is often hard to communicate with people, particularly Christians, who are unaware how much Christianity informs the culture in the United States and their own understanding of what religion is. I think a major difference, and one that links faith to guilt for many people, is the Christian conception of sin. I have been thinking a lot about this today, because Yom Kippur begins tonight, and I posted some things about it here.
