thread: 2005-06-22 : Courage
On 2005-06-22, Matt Snyder wrote:
No, that feeling does not go away. Be wary.First, let me make sure I'm getting what you're saying. Are you saying that, in describing, say, Dogs as "merely" journeyman work, that you're really "just" bolstering your courage to keep at it? And, at whose expense does this happen? Other creators who haven't labored? That's the part I'm missing—whose suffering (however slightly) at your words.
Now, if you'll humor me, I'll offer my related response to this business of confidence.
I bottled lightning somehow with Dust Devils. In transformed in a very few months into indie design cred for me. Did I deserve it? Looking back, it's a pretty apprentice level game that struck a chord and did right by its simplicity. In other words, I got lucky more than I was brilliant. Lucky, because I had no idea how I did what I did. It just happened that way. I didn't think I deserved genius designer of the year award, but I thought I did deserve credit for creating something, getting it out there, and giving something people to enjoy.
So, I set out for that next game, all the time doubtful I could bottle that lightning again.
Guess what? I didn't. My confidence flagged. Greatly.
It took me literally months to figure out that, you know what, Nine Worlds was actually a *better* game than Dust Devils. But, no one knew it. Part—no, most of that was my fault. (Hell! Part of that was yours, you Dog you! Heh.)
My presentation, and even my own understanding of what I had created, was flawed. (I know that sounds impossible, but it ain't.) But, it was *not* an indication that my design ability had dried up with my first game.
There was a kick-ass game in there that had something to say and created some worthwhile, fun play. But, I was doubtful. I thought, huh, I guess I'm not much of a designer after all. That was pretty stupid of me, but the frustration and doubt was human, understandable. It took a while to understand what I had created *after the fact*. Frustrating, yes. Educational, certainly. Hopeful, absolutely.
I'm saying this: Be wary. For me, that confidence is as much a part of external acclaim as it is internal creativity. I suspect I'm not alone in that regard.
What if Dogs remained wholly unchanged as a written text ... and most people thought "Mormons? Whatever ... what's this Prime Time Adventures game all about ... " ? Would you need to bolster you confidence more? Would others suffer at your expense. I admit the answer for me in a similar situation was and is "Yes."
