2008-07-04 : God emailed me
From: Jehovah Almighty
[Add to Address Book]
To: lumpley@earthlink.net
Subject: Killing puppies for satan
Date: Jul 2, 2008 10:51 PMHey! It's the Big G, the Man Upstairs, Jehovah! The Almighty God, God. Listen,
I would have done this in another way but I really like your site and, hey, it was
more entertaining this way. Now you can post your Official Correspondence with The
Creator on your fancy website!I think I've got to apologize. Some of my fans, well... they are fanatics. My
son's been stealing a lot of attention lately, but I'm getting over that
jealousy and genocide thing. Deep down, most of them are decent people, if a little
narrow-minded. Sometimes I wonder if free-will was the right choice after all! Don't
get discouraged when people don't see the humor—they just haven't been
paying attention to mine in the Bible, I guess.I bless thee,
G/D
1. On 2008-07-04, Ben Lehman said:
The absolutely best part of this is [Add to Address Book]
I don't know why.
2. On 2008-07-04, Gregor said:
I really like how He works late nights too. None of that clock watching you see from the other guy, y'know, the one that gets a good write-up in your book just because he watches wrestling.
I thought He would have mentioned that the book was for sale via Lulu, though, but I guess He's busy looking out for us all and it slipped His mind.
3. On 2008-07-05, wundergeek said:
Holy crap, that's awesome.
It's nice to know that God isn't too good to write a message himself. Maybe other deities might have sent a form letter, or had one of their lackies write some sort of message for them. I guess the big G isn't afraid to get his hands dirty.
4. On 2008-07-05, Jesus Christ said:
I wish he'd stop being so jealous. I'm just out here doing my thing, you know. He's got his plagues of locusts and I've got my bread and fish. It doesn't have to be a competition, you know?
Fuck it. I'm off to do some carpentry.
J
5. On 2008-07-06, Holy Ghost said:
JC, Big J, seriously, ixnay on the iting-fay in front of the umans-hay.
HG
6. On 2008-07-06, Jesus Christ said:
Oh yes. Humans. That's another thing. Why do I have to type "human" to post here? Why doesn't fucking "Son of God" work?
J
7. On 2008-07-07, Dan Brown said:
See! "Fucking Son of God"!
I was right all along!
8. On 2008-07-07, wundergeek said:
When you gave Vincent free will, you kind of opened yourself up to stuff like this.
If it makes you feel better, "zombie" is still an option.
9. On 2008-07-10, Jesus Christ said:
Zombie? That would mean I died and then got up and walked about!
Wait.
J
10. On 2008-07-15, anon. said:
Nice to know God's still corresponding. He wrote Poul Anderson a short note in response to Anderson's article for sf writers about how to make sure one's created planets really could support life.
11. On 2008-07-25, David Artman said:
I dunno... seems fishy. All the correspondence *I* receive from Jehovah-Elohim—He who WAS, and IS, and IS TO COME—is sent from his scribe Metatron's email account.
I suspect your being phished. I he later asks you to hold some money in your bank account for him, spam-block him.
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