2006-11-11 : Tarkut Ptimanya

The Minister of Glorious Prevailance reviews our troops:

Aide: Our glorious ptimanya, worn but unbroken, show the proud ancient heritage of our warrior civilization! We will gloriously -
MoGP: Yeah the thing is shut up right now.

Our army is divided into three functional units. The backbone of our army is our assault squad:

Then we have our grab squad:

And our highest-tech squad, fitted out for night ops:

The black one at the front of the line? It has actual stealth technology.

Here's a better view of the grab squad's heavy ptiman. The assault squad has one just like it too:

Aide: We are gonna KICK! SOME!—
MoGP: No seriously shut up.

1. On 2006-11-11, Vincent said:

For contrast, here's a surveillance photo of two of Emily's Rasili 5th generation ptimanya on patrol:


2. On 2006-11-11, Ben Lehman said:


You can tell its an action shot 'cause it's blurry.


3. On 2006-11-11, NinJ said:

Hey, you've got my guys! Take flattering pics of them, too!


4. On 2006-11-11, Matt Wilson said:

Is the aide the one with the red hat?

Or are those mech larvae?

Also, I like how the old school pitters have a kind of combination rollbar and cow catcher.

Emily's mechs are freaky. They should make velociraptor noises.


5. On 2006-11-11, Vincent said:

> Hey, you've got my guys! Take flattering pics of them, too!


Instead, I take propaganda pics of them. These are from "Oh no, Paktalist terrorists! Don't hurt our children!"


6. On 2006-11-11, Sydney Freedberg said:

These stills don't capture the full power of "Oh no, Paktalist terrorists! Don't hurt our children!" without its Ministry of Mandatory Enlightment "Best Original Soundtrack"-award-winning songs, but I'll try to capture some of it here:

Oh no, Paktalist terrorists!
O! Our glorious Tarkut motherland weeps!
She weeps bitter tears of blood!
Why do you wound her so, you insensitive persons?
Please don't hurt our children!

Oh no, Paktalist terrorists!
O! Glorious motherland, do not weep!
Beautiful mother, dry your tears!
Look! Though admittedly an alarming number of them are dead,
Behold the valor of your remaining children!

No, no, Paktalist terrorists!
We will not longer shed tears, but rather shed your unclean, treacherous, purulent blood!
See us take our worn but unbroken weapons in our hands!
We, the children, will now hurt you! Fuckers!

(Translation copyright MEMRI)


7. On 2006-11-11, Devin said:

I think the dudes standing by the ptimanya are crew or pilots.


8. On 2006-11-11, Ben Lehman said:


Art!  Although it suffers from a sad lack of "we do unto you now the great hurt."



9. On 2006-11-12, Sydney Freedberg said:

"Enormous hurt," isn't it? That's probably in one of the actual verses. What I provided above was just the chorus.


10. On 2006-11-12, Vincent said:

> Though admittedly an alarming number of them are dead...

This line kills me BAD.


11. On 2006-11-12, NinJ said:

Translated from a Mukun folk song:

Tarkut people, they smell like goats
They take our goats because they miss their mothers
They take our women because their women smell like goats.

[Chorus] Let's throw them out like we did last time!*
We'll kick their crotches and eat their horses!
We'll take their gold and give it to our daughters!
We'll piss on their gods and send them home crying!
We'll do unto them the enormous hurt!

Only one thing will save us!
The holy shovel of righteousness will ring off their skulls
like a crack of thunder and the call to prayer!


*The chorus is the only verse that lasts from one version of this song to the next. It's usually sung with one person singing a single verse, made up on the spot, and everyone joining in, laughing, in the chorus. It gets pretty rowdy. Women are not allowed to sing this song, though that has been a source of some contention in this modern age. This particular version was recorded by Dr. Jurzi N. Tunukuan, an anthropologist who happened to be studying the Mukun when war was beginning.


12. On 2006-11-12, Sydney Freedberg said:

Kindly cease to disrespect the noble and odiferous goats whose sweet, sweet milk sustains the proud sons of the glorious Tarkut motherland.


13. On 2006-11-12, NinJ said:

The Tarkuli goats are as weak and ugly as your women!

Our Mukun goats are truly the mightiest among goats. We will give them free reign over your goats and women, if they can tell the difference.


14. On 2006-11-12, Ben Lehman said:

Now all we need are some forum postings from the inhabitants of the occupying government about how this war is clearly all about peach supplies.



15. On 2006-11-13, Sydney Freedberg said:

Do not sully even the thought of our sacred national fruits with your colonialist lips, O so-called "Ben Lehman," or the implacable wrath of the long-oppressed people will slice them off with the shining silver sword of justice (the lips, not the fruits; we cut the latter with small, slightly curved knives). The delicious peaches of our incomparable Tarkut orchards are like unto the swelling, beneficent, goat-milk-dripping breasts whose patriotic spirit and manifest economic benefit, properly distributed among the neglected classes in accordance with our unique blend of traditional communual ethics and scientifically proven Marxist-Leninist-Maoist-Lumplist Victory Thought, sustains against insurmountably incalculable odds the noble and unweanable sons of the glorious Tarkut motherland. Yeah.


16. On 2006-11-13, Ben Lehman said:

Look, people, it's a no-brainer.  The Imperial Seat has had closer and closer ties with the peach industry recently, and then suddenly we decide we need to "liberate" Tarkut, which just happens to have orchard upon orchard of succulent, juicy peaches?  You can't think that this is just coincidence.  Otherwise why wouldn't we be invading Ratalia, which has a much more oppressive government and one oppossed to our interests.  And why do you think that the price of peaches has been going up and up since this botched "liberation" started?

You're all sheep.  Give me a call when you wake up from your political coma.


17. On 2006-11-13, Emily said:

I think that's the pro-parlimentary radical tar-web you're quoting there, Ben. What you imply is preposterous!

The Royal bard has composed a multimedia comm-drama that is being beamed down on all free channels to the surface of the Turkutali region. It consists of a chorus line of scantily clad Pockmar cheerleaders doing a Buzby Berkley number about the virtues of Rasili fries and soda. This is followed by an address to the free peoples of Tarkut from the reigning Monarch Frisilin the IV, overlaid with a lazer light show and pulsing trance beats:

"Rise up, young Tarkutali! Throw off the oppression of your ancient superstitions. A new age of prosperity is about to commence.  Once you are taken under the benevolent wing of the Rasili free empire, your children will be fat and plump like your peaches, and your women will never have to milk another goat as long as they live. Every home will have three drone slaves to do all your bidding, and all your men will be dressed in silk and turquoise Perin cloth like all those corrupt officials in your so-called Provisional government.

"Throw off the throttling yoke of the Mukun terrorists. They are waiting to slaughter you all like young kids when they sweep in with their murderous Ptiman.  But we, your benevolent neighbors from afar, will smite them and save you from those insensitive persons."

[Brought to you by the Rasili Peach Industry. A public service. Eat a peach today!]


18. On 2006-11-13, Seth Ben-Ezra said:

Did I mention that I'm working on mechs built out of undead biomechanical technology and piloted by zombies?  Because, you know, when hell is full, the dead mechs will walk the earth.

Besides, who can say no to technology like "Decay Cannon" and "Ablative Flesh"?

(I thought of this when I saw your little troopers standing around your mechs.  And I thought to myself, "Brains.....")


19. On 2006-11-13, NinJ said:

Only the Tarkutli mecha eat brains. They prefer the brains of babies.


20. On 2006-11-17, NinJ said:

I shot some pics of my ptimanya, complete with a little bit of description, plus some shit-talkin'!

It's over here on Monkey Do, Monkey See!


21. On 2006-11-17, NinJ said:

Uh, V., your clever script bagongled my link.

Lemme try just pasting it in:


22. On 2006-11-17, NinJ said:

Uh, V., your clever script bagongled my link.

Lemme try just pasting it in:


23. On 2006-11-17, NinJ said:

... something funny is going on. I can't post now.

Monkey Do, Monkey See


24. On 2006-11-17, Vincent said:

Yeah you left a quote unclosed.


25. On 2007-02-07, Mech Master said:


I plan to have my mechs piloted by cat people. Fast reflexes and all that.

"Bah! Your goats are entirely uninteresting and their milk is lacking in flavor! Our mighty Artillerons shall decimate your goats, squash your peach orchards, and level your cities! Then, we shall point and laugh at you! And then lick ourselves!"


26. On 2007-08-08, hot pockeet said:

nice use of otherwise useless phones! Guns r pretty sweet to.


27. On 2007-12-16, said:

Just had to add a comment to this thread to let you all know that myself and a friend have thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

The anthems, the political debate and the mecha ideas are all truely inspired.

Thank you for letting others read your posts.


28. On 2010-11-27, mechaman said:

how do you make the chuker i cant seem to connect the body together or with the legs.


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